'HELLBOY II: THE GOLDEN ARMY'

Actors: Ron Perlman, Doug Jones, Selma Blair, Seth MacFarlane, Luke Goss, Anna Walton, Jeffrey Tambor, John Hurt

Director: Guillermo del Toro

Universal

Rated: R

I haven't written a movie review in forever. And this isn't really one, because I'm totally half-assing it. But I can't let the release of Guillermo del Toro's 'Hellboy II: The Golden Army,' the stunning sequel to his 2004 film adaptation of Mike Mignola's 'Hellboy' comic, pass without mention.

I liked the first 'Hellboy' film alot. I thought it was ambitious and fun. But del Toro and company have made their first attempt at bringing the character of Hellboy and his world to the silver screen look amateurish by comparison with this sequel.

It's visually sumptuous, with a ludicrous amount of expertly crafted effects (both practical and digital) in nearly every shot. It's action packed, with so many set-pieces, monsters (elves, trolls, tooth-fairies, elementals, oh my!), and wickedly choreographed fight sequences that I started to lose count. And it's even funny, something that big-budget, effects-heavy Summer blockbusters (yes 'Transformers,' I'm talkin' 'bout you) usually aren't.

Plus it's got Ron Perlman kicking lots of ass and chewing up the scenery. And Selma Blair spends a good portion of the film parading around in a tight black shirt and panties as well.

I walked out of the theatre with my mouth hanging open, dazed and in a state of child-like wonderment. All I could think about was how this film sets del Toro up to literally murder all expectations for his upcoming gig directing 'The Hobbit.' Not to mention ratchet up anticipation for the inevitable 'Hellboy III.'

Okay, it also made me wish they'd saved the ill villains like Rasputin, Kroenen and the Ogdru Jahad for when they had more money and more freedom to make them really nasty, but whatever. And maybe I was wishing that I had a fiery crown and the "Right Hand of Doom" like good ol' Anung un Rama too.

'IDIOCRACY'

Actors: Luke Wilson, Maya Rudolph, Dax Shepard, Terry Crews, Stephen Root, Thomas Haden Church

Director: Mike Judge

20th Century Fox

Rated: R

I remember reading about Mike Judge's problems with Fox in regards to releasing his movie 'Idiocracy.' It seems the studio didn't have enough faith in the creator of 'Office Space' to release his next flick. Granted, 'Office Space' was a dud at the box office only to turn cult classic with a DVD release. I mean, who among us hasn't said "rrrred stapler" at some point or another? Fox finally released 'Idiocracy' in a handful of theaters, only to quickly pull the movie.

The plot: An entirely average guy (played by Wilson brother Luke) turns into a lab rat for the army. He's put in cryogenic suspension (think Ted Williams without the cracked skull) and wakes up in the future where everyone is stupid. Wilson utilizes his earnestness as only he can, waking up after his chamber crashes into an apartment owned by a guy whose la-z-boy also functions as a toilet. Mike Judge had fun with this movie, there are nods to old time flicks like 'Soylent Green' and I couldn't help but think of Luke Wilson being an "Omega Man" with brains. Judge lays it on kind of thick with the "everyone got stupid thanks to corporate greed", but does so in a manner that doesn't seem heavy handed.

Watch out for electrolyte sprinklers keeping the plants dead and stay for the wonderment of "why did Fox sabotage this movie?" It contained about 5 moments where I laughed out loud and is certainly worth a rental. Shout out to Mike Judge's indiscriminate use of scale models.

7/10

'The Getaway'

Actors: Alec Baldwin, Kim Basinger, Michael Madsen, James Woods, David Morse

Director: Roger Donaldson

Universal

Rated: Unrated

Michael Madsen ran into a wig shop, this after losing all his hair in a deadly accident involving crazy glue. To document the event, many stars were called upon. A director was flown in from a faraway place named Roger Donaldsonland. Mark Isham brought his expertise in the sonic realm and the rest became history. Well, if not history, then at least 'The Getaway.' Nothing says "I wonder what Kim Basinger looks like topless" and "Was Alec Baldwin really a smooth guy?" all in one breath like this flick.

Breathy tones of ditz are brought forth by none other than the master (should I say mistress) of the realm. Yes, Jennifer Tilly finds herself quite taken by Michael "don't ask about the hair" Madsen and causes her vet husband to pull a Michael Hutchence. Expendable greaseball is handled by Philip Seymour Hoffman. Not to be outdone, stalwart David "don't ask me about Hack" Morse ups the ante by sporting a sneer and a ponytail. In case any more thespian cred was called for, Richard Farnsworth shows up in the final scene for some old coot cowboyisms (well, that and a paycheck).

The credits for this movie state "featuring the song 'Now and Forever' performed by Richard Marx." If that tasty tidbit isn't enough to get your hungry fingers pulling this DVD from your rental rack/Netflix queue next time you want a movie with a now divorced couple, lots of gun shots, and James Woods, then you're beyond help.

'RUNNING SCARED'

Actors: Paul Walker, Cameron Bright, Vera Farmiga, Chazz Palminteri, Karel Roden

Director: Wayne Kramer

New Line

Rated: R

Upon Keter's suggestion, I went and checked out 'Running Scared.' I had my doubts-what movie with Paul Walker (not Texas Ranger) as the lead could be anything more than hot garbage on a platter? Well, Wayne Kramer-writer/director of 'The Cooler' was behind it and said flick is bonsai times twelve and a half. I sat down, buckled in and went on one hell of a ride. Whoever had the cojones to cast Walker needs their props, because he plays the low level hood to perfection.

Running Scared has Chazz Palmintieri chewing up scenery as a dirty cop, Cameron "creepy" Bright as the son of a Russian meth mouth, Johnny Messner proving he can do more than battle 'Anaconda 2''s CGI, a new take on the pretty much tired pimp, a former MTVJ as his hooker, bankrolled pedophiles, not to mention a black lit hockey match where heads are the goals. This is the movie equivalent of 'The Shield,' constantly ratcheting up the tension and intensity. If you need a mellow movie before bed, steer clear. This is an unqualified ass kicker.

9/10

'BRICK'

Actors: Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Nora Zehetner, Lukas Haas, Noah Fleiss, Matt O'Leary

Director: Rian Johnson

Universal

Rated: R

I managed to catch this flick right before the local indie theater gave up in their designated "5 days if it's not 'Prairie Home Companion'" span and found myself stuck with the goodness. I'll admit, some of the slang was a shade dense, but the 'Third Rock from the Sun' kid (Joseph Gordon Levitt) built upon his skilled work in 'Manic' and came up with a hunched over old-souled noir character. Someone shows up dead and it's up to the slumped wonder to discover why.

En route, he enlists his coke-bottled sidekick and punches many a person while catching enough hits to resemble a cosmetics school dummy at an institute for the blind. The story twists and turns enough times to fulfill the quota, but I send a special curse to 'The OC' for making it impossible for me to view Rachel Bilson as anything other than her Fox character. Keep your eyes peeled for the Pin, a Sean Daley body double with a polio thickened shoe kit.

8.5/10

'BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN'

Actors: Heath Ledger, Jake Gyllenhaal, Randy Quaid, Valerie Planche, David Trimble

Director: Ang Lee

Universal

Rated: R

I'm from a small town just north of Boston. There are six Italian restaurants, a plethora of playing fields, and an abundance of cops. It's a culturally inept town that I have no patience for lately. I had to go there this weekend because my fiances family had planned a get-together where all the kids/parents would go out to a movie and dinner. A few days before the big day I got an email from my soon to be sister-in-law...

OK, so whats the plan for Saturday?? Here's what I know...we should meet at Mom and Dad's in Tewksbury NO LATER than 1:45PM in order to get to a 2:30-3:00 movie at The Loop in Methuen. Showtimes, obviously depend on what movie we go to see. I have heard good things about Syriana, Memoirs of a Geisha (chick flick), Brokeback Mountian (not for homophobes) and Walk the Line (only 2 shows).

"Brokeback Mountian (not for homophobes)"

I'm sort of at a loss for words.

I'm not gay but I've always been harassed for being a feminine male. I've been called gay and a fag/faggot so many times by so many people including members of my families that I've become desensitized to it. I know that I am more sensitive than a lot of the men that I know. But in my opinion I am much better person because of it. I have an amazing relationship with my fiance. She and I talk about everything and are open about our feelings with each other. We are best friends and I don't think we'd have what we do if I wasn't the sensitive person that I am. We have an accepting relationship and it has had a major influence on who we keep as friends.I have a lot of gay and bi-sexual friends and I've always sympathized with their situation and the hardships they face. But after seeing 'Brokeback Mountain' I realize that I have no idea what they are going through.

Like everyone who has seen the previews, I thought I knew what 'Brokeback Mountain' was about. I went in thinking it was just a love story between two men set in the 1960's. But my simple deduction couldn't have been further from the truth. I feel as though my assumption was wrongly influenced by the hetero-friendly gay entertainment that has been steadily making its way into mainstream culture. I thought 'Brokeback Mountain' was going to be similar to a 'Romeo and Juilet' type of story, where strong forces would drive the lovers apart. It was not what I expected at all.

The film takes place in Wyoming (a bold statment which I believe makes reference to the murder of Matthew Shepard). The opening scene is when our characters meet. The landscape that surrounds them is desolate and uninviting. We aren't sure what to make of the situation and where it's headed. A dramatic shift in imagery occurs when the two venture out to Brokeback Mountain to "shepherd" (perhaps a Matthew Shepard reference) a large flock of sheep. Mountains covered in lush greenery soar to the top of the frame. Pristine waters sparkle and bubble in the presence of the young mysterious men. Initially there is very little suggestion to any romance brewing between the young men and because of this, the intense love scene came as a shock. It may have been worse for me because I went with people that were completely uncomfortable with the intense homosexual imagery and I feel as though their shock was somewhat transferred to me.

The deeper we get into the film the more heartbreaking the story becomes. Ennis, the main character, marries a woman and has two children with her. Years pass before Jack, Ennis's lover, contacts him. Their reunion is intensely emotional as the two embrace in a passionate kiss. I felt especially emotional for the two as Jack says he "redlined it" all the way to be with his lover. For me 'Brokeback Mountain' wasn't a gimmick. I honestly saw it as a love story and not some contrived Hollywood farce. When Jack talked about how much he missed Ennis, I didn't care that he was in love with another man. I saw the raw emotion he was expressing and I could totally relate it to the love I have for my fiance.

Ennis is too afraid of what could happen should the to two gay lovers secret get out, so their relationship is limited to occasionally escaping to the seclusion and comfort of the pasturelands of Wyoming. Their love ultimately never gets the chance to come to be all it can.

After the movie my relatives reacted not as I expected they would. Some of them cracked jokes instead of maturely expressing how they felt about what they just saw. "I was getting worried that they were around all those sheep!" (YES! Because homosexuality is the same as bestiality.) We all were pretty shook up and many of us were uncomfortable. We lightly talked about the intense love scene and how we felt about it. My sister-in-law quickly turned the conversation back to mocking the film. When my fiance and I didn't laugh at the one-liners we'd hear an exaggerated and elongated "I'm kidding!." I was genuinely hurt and shocked. We had just seen an intensely emotional and heart wrenching film about two people who were madly in love that could not let that love be. It would have been one thing if the plot was torn apart but the focus was on the homosexual aspects. I understand that homosexuality isn't widely accepted but it's just plain ignorant to blindly hate gay people and make blanket statements such as "all gay people are pedophiles and commit acts of bestiality." I'm truly ashamed of all homophobic people.

'Brokeback Mountain' truly opened my eyes to the struggles that gay people face. This film is definitely one of my favorites.

...HUGE MONKEY BALLS!



'THE DEVIL'S REJECTS'

Actors: Sid Haig, Bill Moseley, Sheri Moon, Ken Foree, Leslie Easterbrook, Danny Trejo

Director: Rob Zombie

Lion's Gate Films

Rated: R

Today, my friend came for a visit. After driving around and realizing there was nothing good in Pittsfield, MA, we decided to go to the movies.

I have been in a weird mood, wanting to see blood and gore. I wanted the death and destruction of the innocent and the evil. And so, I wanted to see 'The Devil's Rejects.' The movie had promised blood, gore, murder, mayhem, and revenge, across this lovely country of ours ( too bad they didn't leave Texas ).

The movie started out with promise, one of the characters is dragging a dead girl through the woods. The Firefly Family is in a shoot out with the local police. Cops are dying, tear gas is flowing, more cops are dying, and people are being held in cages in the basement. I started to like it.

Then it went down hill...

On a whole, during 'The Devil's Rejects,' only three of the Firefly Family murdered five people in cold blood. The bloody shots were taken from a distance. The gore was shown for a split second. The mayhem could have simply been called confusion. And the revenge was incomplete drivle acted upon them by the sheriff. This movies anticlimactic ending was also a huge disappointment.

As my friend said, "You know it's bad when you wish for someone/anyone to kill someone else."

I would advise you all to stay away from this movie until it comes to television.

Save your money and your time.

'ILL LIST VOLUME 1'

Starring: Michael Guinn, Geoff Trenchard, Karen Ladson, Jamie Kennedy, Emily Kagan, Angela Drew, Lee Knight Jr., Janie Spurlock, Jaylee Alde, Melissa Rose, Rupert Estanislao, Mike Mcgee, Khiry Malik

Director: Tazuo Yamaguchi

WordGroove Studios

Rated: Not Rated

Listening to the work of spoken-word poets is a lot like reading the work of bloggers. Some talk about politics. Some talk about life. Some talk about love. Some talk about pop-culture. And some talk about personal bullshit. You really can't pay attention to all of them. Only a select few are actually entertaining or enlightening, able to make you smile, laugh or nod in agreement with an emotional outburst, wry insight or witty turn of phrase. All too often they're a bunch of derivative, cliché ridden, self-absorbed, pretentious fucknuts who you would just as soon punch in the face as give over your precious time and attentions to.

But every so often you come across this one, or that one... the ones that transcend the genre and actually allow their personalities and voices to cut through the contrivances of the medium... and these are the ones you bookmark. Or in the case of spoken word poets, the ones you actually look up from your beverage and pay attention to.

Thankfully there are a number of these types of poets featured on 'Ill List Volume 1,' a DVD documenting a December 2003 poetry slam at Modesto California's State Theatre.

Sure, there's also a couple of folks who recite in the stilted lilt of a thousand coffee house revolutionaries who front like they're one of The Last Poets but are more likely to wind up doing a voiceover in a McDonalds commercial. You know, the type that wanna rap and sing and tell you how down they are. They ones who want to spend five minutes on stage telling you how spoken word is hip-hop and hip-hop is spoken word, yet never quite manage to convince you of that fact due to their own corniness. And yeah, there are even a few of those college girl types who think yelling the word "cunt" or talking about how they enjoy being roughed up by boys in the bedroom makes them more artistic or socially relevant than the next (wo)man. But for every clichéd 'Def Poetry Jam' reject there's five truly entertaining performers who enchant and entertain with their oratory.

Poets Jamie Kennedy, Lee Knight Jr., Jaylee Alde, Rupert Estanislao and Mike McGee are just some such performers. They each tackle serious issues like racial politics, consumerism, parenthood, love, sex, media irresponsibility and personal self-worth... as well as some lighter fare like getting high, having an eating contest with the devil ( ! ) and even performing cunnilingus. And they do it all with wit, humor, honesty, personality, presence and out-n-out skill on the microphone.

These are the performers who turn something we all take for granted, the spoken word, into a dynamic art. They don't just recite, they communicate their thoughts and feelings, and they do so in ways that just might make you think, feel, laugh and even cry.

More importantly though, they're the one's who are gonna make you wanna sit up... click "close" on all those pesky blogs... and watch.

'SIN CITY'

Actors: Bruce Willis, Mickey Rourke, Clive Owen, Jessica Alba, Rosario Dawson, Benicio Del Toro, Michael Madsen, Nick Stahl, Elijah Wood

Directors: Robert Rodriguez, Frank Miller, Quentin Tarantino

Dimension

Rated: R

With 'Sin City' Robert Rodriguez and Frank Miller have created a masterpiece. It's a hard-boiled film-noir that hearkens back to the halcyon days of Hollywood epics before there was such a thing as a "summer blockbuster," while simultaneously moving the craft of film-making forward and nudging the boundaries of content and form for American films in line with what's become the norm for the rest of the world. It's also a vindication of the comic medium as it treats its source material with respect and reverence; finally giving comic fans an adaptation that will make them stand up and cheer at how faithful it is to the page. Rodriguez didn't try to make the comic book world, it's landscape and the personalities that move around it more like our "real" world. Instead he opted to bring Miller's Hollywood-inspired fantasy world to life! And I for one feel the film is the better for treating the fantastic as if it were its own reality because it brings a sense of magic and escapism that is often only visible on the printed page—be it in comics, or other printed matter—back to the silver screen in a way we haven't seen during most of our lifetimes.

As a fan of Miller's comics work I was entranced by the way his artistic style and unique voice came to life while watching this film. It's as if everything—the incredible cast, the make-up effects, the computer generated set pieces, the dialogue, etc.—all dripped out of his pen directly on to the celluloid. And the success of this translation from ink & newsprint to light & sound is due in no small part to some very strong performances from the stellar list of actors assembled. The movie really is an ensemble piece where the overlapping stories are held together by recurring characters such as Britney Murphy's barmaid, Elijah Wood's creepy Kevin, Jessica Alba's stripper with a heart of gold, Clive Owen's mysterious stranger, and the Rosario Dawson fronted Old Town Ladies, a group of hookers who are as deadly as they are sexy.

Of particular note is the portrayal of aging cop Hartigan; a grizzled tough-guy with his own strict moral code, which comes courtesy of Bruce Willis. The former 'Die Hard' star's general demeanor and hard-nosed delivery of distinctly Millerian voice-over narration had me hoping he, Rodriguez and Miller would get the bright idea to adapt 'The Dark Knight Returns' together some time in the very near future. But the real star of the film is Mickey Roarke who continues an impressive run of come-back appearances—including memorable turns in 'Spun,' Rodriguez's 'Once Upon A Time In Mexico,' and last year's 'Man On Fire'—as Marv, a mentally unstable Juggernaut of an ex-con with an ugly mug and an unstoppable jones for justice and revenge. He's the heart of the movie, representing everything that is beautiful but ugly, righteous but wicked, and comforting but deadly about life in the fictional Basin City.

'Sin City' is a place populated by fast cars, fast women and fast-drawing tough guys...Booze, bullets and boobies...Truly evil villains, gritty anti-heroes and breathtaking scenery...A place where two-fisted action will leave you on the edge of your seat, and leave milk-colored CGI blood spattered across it's digitally rendered streets...Streets that evoke the intricate models and paintings which served as the backdrop for the crime-dramas and studio epics of yesteryear...Even as the cutting-edge techniques that created them and the actions taking place on them push the boundaries of American movie-making into territory it's only rarely, if ever, tread.

'Sin City' is cinema referencing a comic whose reference was cinema itself in the first place.

And all that together means that 'Sin City' is a place that anyone who truly loves movies absolutely must visit!

'THE RING 2'

Actors: Naomi Watts, David Dorfman, Sissy Spacek, Daveigh Chase, Kelly Stables

Director: Hideo Nakata

Dreamworks

Rated: PG-13

This past weekend 'The Ring 2' ended up being the Number 1 movie in the Box Office. I went to go see the flick with M.I.C. and was honestly intrigued to go see the sequel since the first movie left me paranoid about having the TV in my room and hearing crickets chirping in the mist of a cool summer night! However, like most sequels, 'The Ring 2' in my book failed to surpass the first.

Honestly I don't even know where to begin on this flick. So here is a sum up:

Somehow the tape reemerges carrying on the "spirit" of Samara in the exact town where Rachel and her son Aidan relocate. Coincidence? I think not!

Rachel located the tape...tries to destroy the tape along with the ghost of Samara by burning it. However Samara comes back and this time in human form through Aidan.

Then there is this bizarre deer scene where a couple of dozen deer attack Rachel and Aidan in their car in the middle of no where?!

Yada..Yada..Yada...Aidan is admitted to a hospital because he became hypothermic and the doctors suspect Rachel is abusing her son...kid escapes hospital...yada yada yada...

Aiden (Samara) returns Rachel...blah blah blah

Aiden appears to Rachel in a dream, since the dead never dream and can't hear us in our dreams...duh, and tells her the only way to kill Samara is to take her to where she is afraid of. Good old H2O!

Struggling with the thought of possibly killing her son, Rachel decides it's the only way to Kill Samara's ghost.

Overall the film goes in circles and wasn't as scary or intense as the trailer made it out to be. There wasn't much suspense and you could pretty much tell what was about to happen next. SO I'd wait to see it in rental form or in a cheep theater...as for me I'd like 2 hours of my life back...there was one highlight....my cinnamon pretzel Yumm!

'THE MATRIX: REVOLUTIONS'

Actors: Hugo Weaving, Keanu Reeves, Carrie Anne Moss, Laurence Fishburn, Harold Perrineau, Jada Pinkett Smith, Nona Gaye, Ian Bliss, Mary Alice, Collin Chou, Monica Belluci, Helmut Bakaitis, Tanveer K. Atwal

Directors: Andy & Larry Wachowski

Warner Brothers

Rated: R

Back in the spring of 1999 the question was posed "what is The Matrix?" In the fall of 2003 the answer to that question is "a film series that lost it's way."

As of this writing I've seen 'The Matrix: Revolutions,' the supposed finale to the three-part series, twice. I was there at 9 AM on Wednesday November 5th for the "zero hour" premier of the film. Not too long after I left the theater yelling "Fuck that! No, fuck that! That shit sucked!" at the friends who had accompanied me to the show. After a few hours of sleep and a few more mulling over what I had seen, what I liked and what I didn't, I decided that I owed myself, and the film, another viewing. I mean after all, I had seen the film at 9 AM, which is pretty early, and maybe the fact that I hadn't slept before said early morning show had effected my perception of the film?

So I went again, with another group of friends, on Thursday November 6th. This time my reaction to the film as a whole was nowhere near as violent this time around. I actually found myself engrossed in the action and appreciating the choreography, the effects, and some of the actors performances. But despite the fact that I was enjoying most of the movie there were still scenes, monologues, individual lines of dialogue, pacing issues, continuity problems, and philosophical concepts (or the lack thereof ) which stood out from the rest and would completely deplete whatever momentum of enjoyment the decent portions of the film had built up in me.

To put it plain and simple, this film is not only not a fitting finale to the so-far stellar 'Matrix' series, it's not even a finale at all! It provides little to no resolution to the tale's main conflict—that between man and machine—or the many sub-plots and extraneous story threads introduced throughout the course of the three films. In fact it introduces new conflicts and loose ends that demand a wrapping up that they never get. Worst of all, the film completely ignores many of religious and political concepts that seemed so central the series to date, leaving the metaphysical and social realities of the world(s) portrayed in the films unrealized. If there is no agenda, no philosophical conceptualism, behind the events in the films it strips the events of their "real world" ramifications, rendering them unimportant, and leaving me asking "why should I care?" And that is exactly where I was left at the end of this film.

Don't get me wrong though, I enjoyed the movie for what it was. I've paid to see it twice so far and am not averse to doing so again. On its own, there's really nothing—with the exception of some terrible dialogue and pacing problems—wrong with this film. If they had called it 'Modem Jackin' Kung-Fu Fightin' Pod People' it would be a decent enough sci-fi/action flick. Unfortunately, it's not it's own film though...It's the finale of a series, and it's titled 'The Matrix: Revolutions,' and it just doesn't live up to the standards—other than its use of effects and its action choreography—of the first two films of the series. What's more, the ending, which was long reported to conclusively put an end to the story in a way that would prevent these films from being a spring-board for a whole host of sequels, does nothing of the sort. In the end, we're faced with a story left so wide open for a sequel that you could fly the Nebuchadnezzar through it!

Of course the visual effects, fights and battles are stunning as usual. We get treated to a zero gravity gun-fight, an incredible battle between the "squids" and a corps of men in those mech-suits we caught a glimpse of in 'Reloaded,' and a battle between Neo and Agent Smith which gives new hope for the prospect of land-air superhero battles in any future comic book adaptations. There's not a single action oriented moment that fails, but then the action was never a weak point for these films, now was it? No, of course not...But 'Reloaded' certainly saw a number of complaints about dialogue, and though I really didn't have any problems with the script of that film I can certainly see some with this one.

If people complained about Laurence Fishburn's 'Warriors'-esque ("Can Yoooo Diiiiiiiig Iiiiiiiiit?!?!?") speech before the gathered rabble of Zion, and the thickly mechanical dialogue between Neo and The Architect in 'Reloaded,' then they're bound to be thrown into raving fits of anger by some of the stuff in 'Revolutions.' This time though it's Carrie-Anne Moss's Trinity who's saddled with not one, but two, uncomfortable scenes which are rife with terrible meandering dialogue. Both are essentially scenes designed to illustrate Trinity's love for Neo and both are eye rollingly, forehead slappingly, head shakingly bad. The second goes on for so long that you'll be wishing for death—though I won't say who's—before it's all over.

Then there's the stuff that takes place in Zion, which though it may be visually stunning is lousy with dialogue that would make George Lucas wince. We get a confrontation between an angry Marine Corps type and a green volunteer that's straight out of a 1940's WWII flick, a couple of Schwarzenegger style one-liners—such as a Zionite sneering "Dig this" as they shoot a shell at one of the enemy digging machines—and a whole host of terribly written—and delivered—lines from "The Kid." The latter's shouting "Neo, I believe!" as he attempts to save the day, and his ecstatic newsboy style exclamation to the people of Zion at the battle's culmination are especially offensive. We're talking about moments that will completely remove you from the world being portrayed in the film and the events that are unfolding before you because they're just so cheesy and movie cliche.

That being said though there were still some extremely well written moments and surprisingly good performances in the film. Jada Pinkett Smith's Niobe is one of the few characters in the film that rings true, and her slightly more fleshed-out persona and increase in screen-time really give her a chance to shine. You wind up caring about her and enjoying every minute she's on the screen. She manages to be strong, sexy, and completely magnetic despite the still relatively small role she has here. And Ian Bliss as the Agent Smith possessed Bane is absolutely fantastic. He's just as villainous as Hugo Weaving and delivers a spot on Agent Smith impression. From vocal tone, to phrasing & inflection, and even physical mannerisms, this guy doesn't miss a note as he basically portrays Agent Smith, though one living in the real world and trapped in a human body without Hugo Weaving's familiar face.

One of the things that particularly worried me about the prospect of 'Revolutions' was that the film-makers were forced to replace Gloria Foster, the actress who had portrayed The Oracle, due to her untimely passing. Fortunately actress Mary Alice has acquitted herself quite well as the new Oracle. She doesn't try to play the same character that Gloria Foster originated—and thankfully the Wachowski's incorporated a decent enough back story to explain her new appearance and mannerisms—but instead delivers her own interpretation of how the program that is The Oracle would act if she were encased in a new physical shell. Though I wish that Gloria Foster had been able to fill out the entire series—and beyond it would appear, judging from the film's ending—as The Oracle that was not meant to be, and although she's definitely missed, the forced change is thankfully not one of the things that brings this film down.

No, when it comes right down to it it's the lack of an illuminated soul, a philosophical heart, a revolutionary spirit, and a true final resolution to a story that has enchanted and enlightened fans since it first flickered across screens in 1999 that makes this movie a painful experience. We were led to believe that the Wachowski's were wise and caring and interested in delivering a series of films that would be a revolutionary metaphor for spiritual and political change, driven by a philosophical agenda and a desire to change the way people think and the way the film industry worked. But unfortunately all we're left with is a philosophical stalemate between the spiritual, political and economic where the story on the screen seems to be nothing more than a metaphor for the film-makers own assimilation with "the system" of Hollywood in an effort to live in peace, not ruffle any feathers and most importantly clock mad bank.

Could the Wachowski's still redeem themselves artistically and conceptually with a sequel or some other 'Matrix' related project in the future? Of course, and it appears that they likely will. But the fact that they copped out philosophically on the series' resolution and broke their own word about making a self-contained trilogy that would have a beginning and an end with real consequences will always haunt them.

'Y TU MAMÁ TAMBIÉN'

Actors: Gael Garcia Bernal, Diego Luna and Meribel Verdu

Director: Alfonso Cuarón

MGM/UA

Rated: Unrated Edition

One morning, after a particularly late night spent watching 'Ringu'—the Japanese original of 'The Ring'—with friends I came home, put in a couple hours of work and well after sunrise wound up deciding to hunker down on the couch to finally watch a DVD I'd borrowed from Imageyenation crew-member Emeyesi a couple months prior. Since borrowing said DVD it had sat on top of my DVD player, unwatched and collecting dust, for quite some time. But I was feeling pretty burnt out and actually found myself with a couple minutes of free personal time, so I resolved myself to pay the languishing movie the respect it deserved and actually allow it to grace my retinas and irises with its flickering presence. The movie encoded on the digital video disc in question was Alfonso Cuarón's 'Y Tu Mamá También.'

I had heard raves from various people—including the aforementioned Emeyesi—about this flick for a long while but had never seen it and really didn't know anything about it. When I borrowed the DVD Emeyesi described the plot as "people driving around and fucking" though, and truth be told, that's pretty much the gist. That being said, I really wasn't prepared for the sheer amount of bold-faced fucking that the people in this movie do. Y'all know me, I like pornography or a trip to the titty bar as much as the next guy...But good-god-damn do these characters ever get butt naked and fuck a lot! The abundant sex scenes in this movie are basically the most hardcore you could get without going the complete porn route and showing insertion close ups or the ever popular "money shot." I'm dumbfounded by the fact that this guy—director Alfonso Cuarón—is the same kid who directed 'The Little Princess' a number of years ago and has recently been tapped to helm the next 'Harry Potter' sequel! Really, just about every scene in 'Y Tu Mamá También' makes the much-touted sex scene between Halle Berry and Billy Bob Thorton in 'Monsters Ball' look like 'Seasame Street.'

But don't get me wrong, the movie is more than a skin-flick. It's incredibly funny throughout, inducing out-loud laughter from me a number of times. But despite the humor, the sex and the cinematic road movie/coming of age tale clichés, the heart of the film is philosophical and emotional. Under the veneer of hot sex, asinine fun, travel, and beautiful Mexican scenery is a hard story about the games people play, the masks they wear, the lies they tell to others & to themselves and the consequences of living life this way. The way the film's story arc plays out probably won't teach you a lesson, inspire some intellectual revelation, make you feel empathy for the characters or uplift your spirit though. Instead the film's conclusion, like real life often enough, is likely to leave you feeling the bitterness and confusion that the characters who carried the film clearly do.

The movie is kept lively—as if all that humor and fucking wasn't lively enough—through the frequent narration of a disembodied voice that gives us important background information on the main characters, and frequently goes off on brief excursions about the lives of incidental characters and situations that the travelers encounter along their trip. This reminded me of the short still-photo montages dedicated to the lives of the background characters in Tom Tykwer's 'Run Lola Run' and, combined with the way Cuarón lets the camera wander, finding new & interesting outside action and exciting angles on the main story, definitely added a special, almost magical, touch to the proceedings. If anything else stuck out slightly during my viewing it was that the dialogue in some of the scenes might strike some people as somewhat childish, though I'm not sure if this is due to the Spanish-to-English translation of the subtitles or if it was intentionally written that way to enhance the feeling that some of the characters are a little less-than-grown-up.

After finally sitting down and watching it I can definitely see what all the fuss over this film was about. If you want to laugh and be left utterly breathless by some raw sex, but don't mind being slapped in the face by the fact that people lie and how much that sucks, then you need to see 'Y Tu Mamá También.'

Yes, it's true, the crew—myself, Emeyesi, The Empress, justice, Masir and his lady Lisa—did in fact wind up going to the 10:30 showing of 'The Matrix: Reloaded' at Showcase Cinemas in West Springfield tonight. Every single one of us had a pretty much identical reaction to the film. And that reaction was? Just hold up a sec...Let me string you along with some exposition here, but trust me, I'll get to the good stuff soon enough.

Let me preface this report by saying that the terrible reviews this flick has been getting over the last week or so started to impact me. I was getting a little antsy thinking that maybe, just maybe, during the interim between making 'The Matrix' and the sequels the brothers Wachowski had gotten hooked on crack, went crazy and just jacked the entire thing up entirely like some of these reviewers were claiming. Harry Knowles' atrocious take on the film, complete with ridiculous spoilers, over at Aint It Cool News a couple days back had hit me particularly hard. The guy seemed to genuinely despise this film with every fiber of his being. Part of me kept saying "no, this dude is just out of his gourd" but a small part of me really began harboring doubts when even a huge geek like Knowles was saying that the movie was terrible.

That being said, I still started to get tingles of anticipation today knowing that I was mere hours away from seeing the sequel to a film that had an incredibly profound impact on me and my circle of friends. 'The Matrix' touched me on every geek level. It brought things like computers, religion, mythology, philosophy, 5%erisms, revolutionary politics, economics, science-fiction and superheroes together and wrapped them in a cloak of kung-fu & bullet-ballet-influenced celluloid. It made me bring everything I believe, everything I've ever studied, everything I've ever read or watched, with me into the theatre to act as a filter for what I was seeing on the screen. It made me think. It made my friends and I talk. It did all that, plus it had kung-fu and hot-lead flying everywhere. It was smart and it was cool. And I loved it. Any less from the sequel would be sacrilege.

Well, after seeing 'Reloaded' I'm now fully prepared to declare that charges of sacrilege—THANK GOD—are something that the Wachowski's sure as hell won't have to worry about any time soon. Apparently I'm a much bigger geek than that red-haired freak at AICN could ever hope to be, because 'The Matrix: Reloaded' rocked my ass in all the same ways that it's predecessor did. Even after a few hours my brain is still reeling from the experience. It's packed...Packed with action...Packed with speeches...Packed with surprises...Packed with references...Packed with a bunch of little tidbits that I'm sure I didn't even notice. I want, no, I NEED to see this film again!

I don't know what movie the majority of these reviewers that have been talking smack for the last week actually saw, but it sure as hell can't be 'The Matrix: Reloaded' because this film delivers on all of the promise of the first, and it does so on every possible level. When producer Joel Silver said that these films didn't just raise the bar, they broke it, he wasn't just engaging in Hollywood hyperbole, he was speaking the pure, unadulterated, God's honest truth! This film is incredible visually. Things happen on the screen that even in the cinematic fairytale land of 'The Matrix' will have you thinking "OH MY HOLY GOD, I can't believe that I'm seeing this!" Yes, there are sequences in this film that are just that breathtaking to watch!

Neo flies. Yeah, we saw that in the last flick, right? No. Not like this. The makers of every superhero movie that features a character who flies or is supposed to fly—from 'Superman' to the 'X-Men' and back again—need to go back to whatever drawing apparatus they have handy because comic-book-style, fist-forward, bad-ass flying has been brought to the screen for the first time ever in 'The Matrix: Reloaded' and it's not only blown every previous attempt at doing so out of the proverbial water, it's set the standard for any future endeavors which may try it again. The only times I've seen flying done this well has been in Asian cinema ('Crouching Tiger' and 'The Storm Riders' especially) but we're talking a whole different animal with this stuff here.

The burly brawl. You don't know what the good god damn I'm talking about, do you? Yes, you do. You know that scene in the trailer we've all seen where Neo is literally surrounded by Agents? That's what I'm talking about. Well, that sequence goes on for what feels like a half hour, and it's unbelievable to watch. They could've ended the movie when this scene came to its conclusion. I mean, thank Fod they didn't, cause there's so much more dopeness...But the brawl will take your breath away like any other action film's climax would be designed to... but it's only the jump-off.

The freeway chase. I...umm...well...it's just...yeah. This is beyond words people. You have never seen anything like this before. It's speed. It's carnage. It's art. It's ballet. It's...to paraphrase our hero..."Whoa."

Of course, the film isn't all action, even though it is action packed, action smacked and so full of action that you'll need an action snack. No, there's also a hell of lot of exposition going on here. This seemed to be a sticking point for a number of reviewers. I didn't find the philosophical meanderings found in some of the movie's calmer moments to be problematic at all though. They fit in to the film perfectly and didn't alter the flow or jack up the pacing in the least. This is the type of stuff that the whole existence of these films hinges on. Without these philosophies there's no reason for a "Matrix," a "One," an Oracle, Neo, Morpheus or all that kung-fu and gun violence. Maybe I'm biased though. As an armchair religious scholar this is the type of stuff that gets me excited. These are the conundrums that keep me awake at night. The beliefs that incite passionate debate. This is God, heaven, earth, angels, devils and humankind. This is the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. This is the Torah and Kabbalah. This is YHVH and Shekinah. This is the purpose behind life itself flying across a huge movie theatre screen wearing a cool black Neru jacket, kicking ass and taking names.

The scene where Neo meets with The Oracle was especially touching to me and actually had me pontificating on how utterly beautiful the film was on a very personal spiritual note. When was the last time anyone said that about a major studio's big Summer blockbuster? Never? You're damn right! Because for the most part popular American cinema doesn't deal with these types of themes. Granted, I can see how some people might find the speech delivered by The Architect a little dense linguistically, but is that a failure on the part of the film makers? Or is that just a sorry statement on the American educational system? I'll let you tell it.

Like I said above, rarely has a popular American film every touched on all these ideas, bridging pop culture, religion, science-fiction and non-stop action, in a manner even remotely similar to that with which the Wachowski brothers approached these films. Hell, forget rarely...I've never seen anything like this. Nobody's expected this much of their audience before. And perhaps, if audiences should be warned about anything it is this...You need to bring EVERYTHING with you in to the theatre. Everything you believe. Everything you've learned. Everything you've been taught. Everything you know. Everything you forgot. Bring your Bible or whatever scripture you favor, if any, your dictionary, your thesaurus and your old copies of Orwell, Marx and Ayn Rand. Bring your popcorn & soda too. And don't forget your love of comic books, pulp fiction (no, not the movie...But that too ), sci-fi ('Star Wars' anyone?), mythology, martial arts and fast-paced Asian-influenced action movies. This movie packs it all in. And it does every bit of it—every reference, every nod, every homage, every twist and turn based on the change and exchange of thoughts and ideas—the utmost justice. It does all that, and it still manages to be the fastest two and a half hours you'll ever spend in a darkened theatre.

It's funny really. I've sat here writing this for a while and I've more than filled this little box up with words but there really aren't any words that can describe how unbelievable an experience this movie is.

So, do you think I liked it? Hell yeah.

Didn't I already say I NEED to see this movie again?

'GHOST DOG: THE WAY OF THE SAMURAI'

Actors: Forrest Whitaker, John Tormey, Cliff Gorman, Henry Silva, Isaach De Bankole, Camille Winbush

Director: Jim Jarmusch

Artisan

Rated: R

I have to admit that I just might be a little biased towards a movie about a ghetto-bred samurai with a hip-hop soundtrack. After all, back in the days of Brown Eyed Intelligence I used to read tomes such as 'The Hagakure' and 'The Book of 5 Rings' at work and then try to apply the deep lessons found within to business dealings and my personal life in the slums of Springfield. Disclaimer aside though, it's just a fact of life that I enjoyed 'Ghost Dog' thoroughly. Maybe it's the ancient Japanese philosophy? Maybe it's the mafia action? Maybe it's the hip-hop score courtesy of the RZA? Or maybe it's the fact that the story is smart and touching, the script is witty, deep and wild, the actors wreck shop and, well, it's got that aforementioned hip-hop score by the RZA? Whatever it is, just let me reiterate, I liked this movie.

Forrest Whitaker stars as the titular Ghost Dog, a seemingly average, low-income, urban brother with corn-rows and a penchant for sitting in his rooftop shack reading 'The Hagakure.' I say seemingly because in reality Ghost Dog is a modern samurai, acting as a hit-man because he's indebted to a mafioso who once did him a favor. He roams the streets of his neighborhood commanding respect from everybody, whether some gang members on the corner, some drunks freestyling in the park, the local ice-cream man or a little girl with a fondness for books. However, Ghost Dog's every-day life is put in danger when a hit goes awry and he runs afoul of the one group of people who's respect he doesn't have, the mob.

And that is where things get very interesting. Writer/Director Jim Jarmusch, uses the antagonism between the mafia’s family traditions and Ghost Dog's African-American samurai as a vehicle for some sly injections of social commentary about race, ethnic stereotypes, and the destruction of ages-old cultural heritages. Some of the scenes depicting the clash of cultures as the mob invades the inner-city are downright hilarious but still seriously depressing for all the wry irony they portray as ancient clan faces ancient clan in a cultural battle that all are doomed to lose.

Not a special effects packed action extravaganza, but not a pussy art house flick, 'Ghost Dog' is simple, straight up, gritty, artistic, intellectual, abstract and asinine all at once, making it worth repeated viewings for the kitsch value of it's cinematic craftsmanship alone. Already a cult classic in some circles, 'Ghost Dog: The Way Of The Samurai' should be in the collection of any underground culture vulture.

'ICHI THE KILLER'

Actors: Tadanobu Asano, Nao Omori, Alien Sun, Shinya Tsukamoto

Director: Takashi Miike

Media Blasters

Rated: Unrated Edition

Takashi Miike is a cinematic dynamo. The Japanese director has been known to produce as many as 15 films in one year. What's more shocking than the amount of movies the man releases though is the fact that the man's work is actually damn good...Better in fact than a lot of the crap American directors who're lucky to make one movie a year are wont to force upon the unsuspecting viewing audience. Miike's dedication to his craft is obviously an even more impressive feat when one takes into account the previously mentioned fact that he pumps these quality flicks out in a manner akin to that which one of the main characters in the film being reviewed here does semen.

Takashi Miike? Semen? What the fuck am I talking about? I'm talking about 'Ichi The Killer,' an almost legendary 2001 film from prolific Japanese director Takashi Miike. For those unfamiliar with Miike's body of work, he's best known for making what have come to be called "Yakuza revenge films." These are movies about Japan's criminal underworld that feature loads of ultra-violent, often gory, and almost always freakily sexual content. More than just shock flicks though Miike's films are also usually backed up by great stories, interesting & engaging characters, weird special effects, fast paced action and most importantly all that aforementioned violence, blood and sex. 'Ichi The Killer' is no exception, as it delivers all that and then some. Or did I neglect to mention the semen?

Have you ever seen a movie where the opening sequence culminates in the title "morphing" out of a puddle of cum? No? I thought not. But I have tough guy! And if you can track down a copy of this movie so will you! The movie begins as we're introduced to a group of slick Yakuza, one of which is worried about the safety of "the boss" who's holed up in his room getting his "groove" on. We also meet a group of masked criminals sitting in a van outside who clearly have it in for the aforementioned Yakuza boss. This is inter-cut with scenes of a brutal rape which is being watched by someone through a window. When the peeping tom makes a noise that startles the rapist he bolts to the window only to find nobody there. The viewer however is shown the floor of the balcony where a puddle of, shall we say "man juice," is gathering. As the goo drips from the leaf of a near-by plant it forms—with a little help from some CGI effects—into the Japanese title 'Ichi The Killer.' Is it brutal? Yes. Shocking? Sure. Gross? You bet your ass. But it's also cool as fucking hell!

From there all hell breaks loose as the Yakuza boss is dispensed of at the bidding of the masked criminals by the mysterious Ichi. The boss's lackey, a bleached blonde, pierced faced, pimp-suit rocking sadomasochist, then becomes interim gang leader. Once in power he goes on a mad hunt for this Ichi and somehow manages to torture a number of people with needles, hot oil and chains & hooks, break all of a woman's fingers, nearly rip off a guy's face, have his woman beat the crap out of him, slice off a broad's nipples, and even cut off one of his own bodily appendages along the way.

In the meantime we're introduced to Ichi who is himself a sadist of the most bizarre order. Raised by a vicious crime-boss as a tool of revenge, Ichi is a child in the body of a man who believes he was abused as a child and is now out to exact revenge on any and all bullies in the quickest, bloodiest and—thankfully for us movie-goers—most visually stunning way possible. Outfitted as if he's some sort of superhero by his criminal puppet-master, Ichi wears special shoes with blades in the heel which he uses to devastating effect. Throughout the course of the film he literally chops a guy in half, slits a couple throats, massacres a room-full of Yakuza, cuts a woman's leg clean off and even decapitates somebody.

The final showdown between Ichi and the Yakuza is a thing of beauty; artistic and sadly meaningful as any ballet or opera, even in all of its blood-soaked glory.

Be warned though, Takashi Miike pulls no punches. There is a level of brutality to the violence in this film that would never be shown in American cinemas. Some scenes purposely reach cartoonish levels of destruction usually only found in an 'Itchy & Scratchy' short on 'The Simspons.' For the most part though the dedication to showing no-holds-barred portrayals of violent acts is not desensitizing or gratuitous, but realistic in that it shows the real consequences that rapes, beatings, stabbings and shootings have on the human body and mind. When the shit goes down people die, in fact they die horribly, and those few that are left alive have mental scars of epic proportions. So while the visuals are without a doubt shocking, Takashi Miike’s work is worthwhile artistically, socially and aesthetically and shouldn’t be relegated to being considered the equivalent of a fictionalized snuff-flick.

This is guerrilla cinema at its finest. Fast, smart, stylish, shocking, but most of all entertaining, 'Ichi The Killer' is a must see for fans of the "Yakuza revenge" genre and anyone—assuming they have a strong stomach—who appreciates an original, intelligent story about interesting characters told in a way that is fresh, exciting and visually stunning. Fans of gangster flicks, the Hong Kong "bullet ballet," surreal horror of films such as 'The Cell' and the 'Hellraiser' series, the early work of Peter Jackson and stylized action movies like 'The Matrix' and 'Fight Club' are especially likely to eat this—and Takashi Miike’s other work—up with a spoon then beg for more. That is, if they haven't puked from all the blood.